There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
