there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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