Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
