He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize