dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
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She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
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You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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