k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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