I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize
