I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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