The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
