if you like me you must not know who I am
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
So gin and wine won't be happening again
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
