Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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