Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
