Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
