His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
