How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
