Umm I'm too high to move.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
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He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
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Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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