He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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