Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize