just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
