I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
