hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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