Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
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Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
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I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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