Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Randomize
