let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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