She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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