so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
