Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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