Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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