it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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