2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
