I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She even gives head with a lisp.
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Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
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Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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