I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
