my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
