Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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