rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
