can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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