He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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