Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
