ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
