i barfeds in our rink
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
