when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
be right there i have to get my cape
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
