the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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