Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
