I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
