I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
