the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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