The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I looked at my own cervix.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
