Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
