All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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