Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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