You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
