At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
