i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
