Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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