What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
