The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
