So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
