How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
